Lexis-Nexis goes full purple cadillac/pink fur/long cigarette Pimptastic

The second stupidest event of my day was encountering a RiteAid employee in Reisterstown who, seeing my customer loyalty card application, wanted to take it from me, asked me to identify aloud to her precisely what highly personal or less personal items I was in the drug store to buy, and told me that her concern was that I – dressed in business casual with less than 24 hours’ stubble and a non-hippie haircut – might spend time wandering aimlessly in her store. Because wandering aimlessly with a customer loyalty card in hand – that’s what we do. I had been in the store 7 minutes, 6 of them in line to get the damned application and fill it out so as to save a few bucks on cough syrup and the like. It was midday, not at 2 AM.

I don’t think she racially profiled me as a while male middle-aged criminal, such as those who make up a majority of the Wall Street unindicted co-conspirators at all times. But you never know; she might have been on the lookout for price-fixing, tax evasion or insider trading in the cough syrup aisle. Basic hint: don’t ask people to declare vocally what they are buying in a drug store, whether it’s soap, cough syrup, antibiotics for gonorrhea or Preparation H. It’s a drug store, not U.S. Customs.

No, this was the second stupidest event.

The stupidest event was the opening of an email from Lexis Nexis, the owners of Martindale Hubbell, Lawyers.com and other resources both professional  (helping lawyers help their client) and pimping (helping lawyers move that product on a slow night.)  Disclosure: they are also my pimp, though I grow increasingly uneasy about the relationship.

No, this is what I got in the email today. It’s one thing to pimp us; it’s another thing to pimp us to ourselves recursively.

Happy Anniversary T. Bruce Godfrey,In 1994, you swore an oath and were admitted to the Bar. On the 15th Anniversary of that proud occasion, your efforts and service since that day are worthy of recognition. You earned it. Now preserve it. You worked hard to gain admission to the Bar. Don’t let this achievement become an unrecognized distant memory. A plaque creates ongoing relevance for your past achievement. Old awards inspire future success. Regularly $159, take advantage of this month’s special and save $50 when you order your commemorative plaque by next Friday, February 22nd. Click to your custom web page where you can edit your plaque, try out different wood colors and place your order. Use promo code: MN50D13 to save $50!OR: Prefer to be invoiced? Simply reply to this email with “Yes, please invoice me.” Include your billing and shipping information and we’ll get your plaque shipped to you right away. You will be invoiced $109 plus $12.90 S&H. This price includes your $50 discount. Call with questions at any time. I am available from 9am to 6pm EST, Monday through Friday. I hope to hear from you – the plaque is beautiful! Sincerely, Pat Barnes Account Manager American Registry, LLC 1-800-892-6998 ext2 pbarnes@americanregistry.com

That’s right. Not only do they want to pimp me to the johns, they are trying to pimp me to me.

There is no such thing as a lawyer “anniversary.” It’s garbage. Law schools can hold annual reunions, and some do; I’ve never gone, and wouldn’t. But there’s no such thing as an attorney anniversary.

“A plaque creates ongoing relevance for your past achievement.” Yes, they actually wrote that. Someone had the nerve to right that sentence in English. Read it 15 times, once for each faux-nniversary.

Passing the Bar is a milestone and an important achievement, but there is no “anniversary”. What, the two days of the exam? The day I convinced the Character Committee representative that the time in the 7th grade when I got suspended for punching Ernie T.________ in the mouth for accusing my mother of an indecent act didn’t mean I was going to make a bad attorney at age 25? The day I got sworn in? Thanks, but I get an annual Bar dues notice from Annapolis to remind me of that one. The fifteenth year after getting sworn in is sort of like your twenty-fifth year after your first date – I mean, really? (Ignore that the 15th December 13 after my swearing in in 1994 is over three years ago; all’s fair in pimping, I guess.)

Part of me likes the existence of this plaque, in that stupidity’s horrible effects are mitigated when the stupid are both marked socially and taxed financially. The best sort of social and financial stripes are the self-inflicted ones. Accordingly, I can tell my clients that if they see an attorney with one of these mindless ego-plaques, these wood, sheet-metal and plastic monuments to self-aggrandizement, damaged egos and myopia, I can tell them to vacate that house of ill repute. But that’s sort of like tricking people into wearing their underwear outside of their pants: not only is it cruel on the stupid but it ruins the visual field in the public square.

It would still be tacky, if not downright pimptastic, if this ego-monument were being marketed primarily to non-attorneys looking for that right gift, etc. But aiming it right at the attorney? Sheesh. This out-pimps Velvet Jones.